March 28, 2012
So I haven’t been feeling the best lately. Emotionally or Physically. The medication I’m on to help me drop some weight has killed what was left of my little appetite and it makes me nauseous and keeps me up at night. Emotionally I’m depressed then really depressed then I suppress it and ignore it by surrounding myself with friends. I need contact. I feel alone and unloved. I feel ignored, lost, and like I don’t belong. It hurts and I don’t know why. I believe it’s because my whole life I had to be happy for everyone. For my mom through the fights with my dad, for my sister when they got divorced, for my mom when we had to move. I never got to have my own feelings. I buried my emotions. It’s how I was raised. Emotions are kept at bay, for when you are alone never to be expressed, especially when you are a child. I can count on both hands the times I’ve been blissfully happy and depressed. I’ve accepted not having a relationship right now. I realize that I must work on myself first before I go bringing someone else in on my mess. What I won’t accept is losing him. I can’t lose someone else. I can’t do it. I want him in my life as my friend. I want him to know this. I have accepted the fact that I am alone relationship-wise in this world but that doesn’t mean I’m alone all together. None of this means that I’m still not going to the counselor tomorrow. I still need to sort through the depression and work out all the other issues. I’m a flipping hott mess. I feel better now. Content. I know this is not the end of the world. I know I’m not alone, I know it’s just a feeling. That it’s fleeting. Most of my feelings are. But I can’t do this alone. Not when my emotional state jumped from 5 to 25 around my family, in one day. I just have to learn how to be me and not, “the older sister, the strong daughter, the smart girl, the mature young lady” Self discovery is a long road and I can’t do it depressed. This has been a long time coming. I have the scars to prove it. I finally realize now at 18 why I did it. Now to work through it.
